Day 23: Suggestions Needed

I have been talking to Lynda a bit about my seven year old daughter, Amber. The comments were getting a bit long, so I figured I would make a post out of it.

I don't know any other way to start this post than to say that Amber has issues. Lots of them. I love her to death, of course, but the girl has problems. It started out as behavioral problems when she was just 1 1/2 years old. At home she would behave fine, but at daycare she would exploit any opportunity she had for trouble. We had many parent/teacher meetings, and Amber improved, but the problem was still there.

One day, when Amber was 3, the school had scheduled another meeting. I showed up, only to be bombarded by EIGHT people -- 2 daycare staff, the director, 2 psychologists, and I don't remember who the other 3 were, I just know they weren't from the daycare. I felt ambushed. Why didn't they just tell me? I've been to all the other meetings, why shouldn't I know about this? To top it all off, a few minutes after discussion began, one of the people there asked, "And where's the mother in all this? Does she just not care?" Talk about blood boiling!!! Someone in the room politely mentioned that "her mother" was sitting right there. Open mouth, insert foot -- the lady apologized and didn't say another word the entire meeting. The only thing that came out of that meeting was that perhaps Amber should be drugged. Drugged! At 3 years old! ... That's why nothing ever came out of that situation.

Fast forward 4 years. I work very closely with Amber's teachers, and the behaivoral problems are pretty much gone. These have been replaced by socialization and emotional problems. Amber simply cannot interact with other children. Her idea of playing is telling everyone EXACTLY what they have to do. "Put this here -- no, that goes there. No, we shouldn't be a kitten. Let's be cats. No, YOU be the mom, I'll be the kid ..." Thus it's no surprise she doesn't really have friends.

Along with not getting along with anyone, she flies off the handle emotionally if anything does not go her way. And this isn't because she's used to getting her way. No, she doesn't get her way many times a day when she's at home. So, she just flies off the handle numerous times an evening. And she cries, and cries, and cries.

I don't know what to do. I give her affection, lots of it, but Amber doesn't respond well to that. She's never been very affectionate at all. I tell her I love her, I praise her accomplishments. I try to ask her how she feels and what's making her upset, but nothing pans out. I try to help her learn how to play by interacting with her and her sister. Her sister, by the way, is the complete opposite. She loves everyone and everyone loves her and she gets along splendidly with everyone but her sister (not for lack of trying). If it were both of them, I'd think that I was doing something terribly wrong. But it's just Amber.

This past week I have seriously considered a child psychologist of some sort. There are a couple problems with that: (1) I'm afraid they'll want to drug her, and I don't think that's appropriate for this situation (2)Money. My copay for a psychologist is $50 a visit (yes I looked this up because I'm seriously considering it). That's a lot, especially if she's seeing this person multiple times a month.

I could write a ton more about this situation, but at the moment I don't have time to. I didn't even explain the problem very well, did I? Oh well. Suggestions are still welcome. Has anyone been there, done that?

Day 22: Time To Lose It

I'm 5 weeks and 2 days into my quit. Hooray! I'm thrilled to have made it this far, but I have a problem. And it's a pretty common one: I've put on the weight, about 7 pounds worth of it. I don't own a scale, but I can tell when I need maintence. I got a chance to weigh myself today, and I came in at 136 !yikes!. That was a big eye opener. I'm on winter weight, too -- my normal, base weight, is approx. 125. But I have about 5 winter pounds on at the moment, plus the non-smoking weight. So yeah, it's time for me to get with it and take it off. I usually don't care if I gain 5 pounds of so (thus the winter weight), but 12? That's too much.

The reason I'm telling you guys this is so I make myself work hard on this. I'm too ashamed to fail at anything (read previous post) and I don't want to complain about weight to my friends or family. Yeah, I know I'm strange (especially for a girl) because in general I don't talk about weight, or diets, etc. I don't like to think about it and I'm usually happy with my weight/appearance. But, once again, I love this blog and the people involved because I don't have to keep up facades.

So my goal, for the moment (until Spring hits), is to get back down to 130 pounds. I will do this by cardio and/or weight activities 4 or 5 days a week. I will cut the soda down to one can every 2 or 3 days. I will cut out my weekly Monster energy drink. I will not overload my plate at dinner. It's a large plate and there's no need to fill it up. I will eat my oatmeal each weekday for breakfast, instead of skipping it in favor of crackers every other day. I will take a daily walk at work (this one is already in practice).

Let's say this goal started yesterday (Monday). Yesterday I played DDR (Dance Dance Reveloution) non-stop for approx. 2 hours. That's excercise enough for me.

1 workout down this week, 3 or 4 more to go.

5 Weeks

Today is my 5 week anniversary! Hooray! Oddly enough, it doesn't feel that significant. What am I waiting on, I wonder? Six weeks, or three months? Maybe 6 months, or a year? Two years, three years, or five years? I'm just wondering at what point I'll be impressed by my length of time as a non-smoker. I guess I'll find out, eventually.

I'm glad to report that I'm back into my job, full force. Those first 3 weeks I did extremely little at work. In fact, I did very little at all. I didn't even call a single friend in that time. It's odd, because most people reach out for support from friends and family, but I close in and try to deal with everything myself. I guess I have this persona I feel the need to maintain. It tells me that I must deal with these things myself, so that I can be a strong example for friends and family. I can't show emotion. I can't let them know I'm struggling. I smile and act like it's all fine.

This is a recurring theme. I did this for 5 years, while I raised children, worked and went to school full time without taking a single semester off, not even summer. People tell me they don't know how I did it. All I said was that, well, somehow I did it and I'm glad it's over. When I graduated, I had to work 210 miles away from my husband and children for 6 months. I would spend 8 hours a weekend driving so that I could see my kids. I never missed a weekend. By the end of the 6 months I was exhausted. But did I let anyone know? Of course not. Even when people offerred opportunites for me to let some emotion out ("I can't imagine how hard it is on you"), the reply they'd get from me was basically, "Yes, it is, but I manage."

These are the reasons that I'm so THANKFUL for this blog, the people who read it, and the support I get. I don't have to pretend. No one here knows me and I have no strong reputation to uphold. Thank you for reading this. Thank you for leaving your supportive comments. Thank you for writing the blogs that I read to get through my days as a non-smoker.