Monday, June 30, 2008


Must ... avoid .... temptation ... to play .... Monopoly ... at work.

Okay, so I broke down and bought Monopoly for my Ipod Nano. It's a game that I love but never get to play, because it's not much fun with only 1 other person. And it takes forever. I rarely buy songs for my Nano (gotta love Limewire pro) -- usually the only songs I "buy" are those I get for free. After all, I already spent $135 to buy the darned thing (that was the price including tax, because I caught it on the after Thanksgiving sale last November), and I couldn't really justify a need for it. Then I went and bought a $15 hard case for it. That brought the price tag on my Nano up to $150. Yikes! So when I bought the Monopoly game I was already feeling guilty for spending the measly $5 (aka, 1.29 gallons of gas) more on my Ipod.

I wound up spending about 4 hours playing that game over the course of the weekend. For me, 2 hours a day playing games is quite a bit. I have a few games I like to play, but I rarely play more than 45 minutes at a time, about one day a week. So now I'm sitting here at work, and my Ipod is next to me, staring me down. "Come on.." it says, "Just a few minutes of game play ..." it chides. I brought it out to play music and have unleashed the monster! As if blogging at work isn't bad enough, now there's the temptation to play Monopoly! But no! I must resist! Well, maybe over my lunch break ...

Friday, June 27, 2008

Six Months Smoke Free

Looks like my six month non-smoking anniversary slipped right by me and I didn't even notice. It seems Tuesday the 24th was the lucky day. I'm not gonna go crazy calculating days and whatnot -- I'm just going simply by the fact that I quit on Christmas Eve of last year.

The odd thing is, I don't have much to say about the whole thing. I'm very very very pleased with myself. Yes, I've (consciously) cheated a few times, because I felt like it and know my limits and capabilities. And no, that doesn't make me any less of a non-smoker. I am no longer "quitting" smoking. I have quit smoking, plain and simple, and I am a NON-SMOKER. It feels great. It feels like *freedom*. I have been released from the chains that bound me to this overly addictive drug.

I am not going back now without a conscious decision to go back. Last time I quit it was for 2 years. Things happened. Alex and I were at a standstill. We had one child, had been together for 3 years, and I wanted a ring. He didn't want the ring, and I refused to waste anymore of my time waiting for him. Thus we were at a standstill, on the verge of ending all. Instead, we tried couples counciling. We both hated it, but stuck in there regardless. After our first exhuasting session, we picked up smokes on the way home and sat on our front porch, smoking and drinking. We did this the next time we had the session, and the next and the next.

We knew what we were getting into. There was no point where we didn't know, but somehow I felt like it had to be. Like there was no way I was getting through this without the cigarettes. As we smoked more on that porch, we bonded more, and reconnected our lives and values. We dropped the counciling, and 3 months later he proposed. Could we have gotten through then without smoking? I'd like to say, well yeah, of course we would have ... but I honestly don't know if we would have had the same result.

That's only speculation and no longer matters. What matters is once again we are smoke free together, 6 months at that. The only way I'm going back now is a conscious decision, and I really hope that I never let myself go back to that. Right now, all is strong and clear and good to go. I'm a non-smoker, and I love it.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Who's In Your Fave 5?

I saw "The Mom" over at Cheaper Than Therapy post a blog on this subject, and I just had to play along. You've heard of The List , right? You know, the one where if you could put 5 people on your list, and your significant other had to let you, uh ... play cards with them, you'd be given a free pass?

Please play along! I'd personally go tag your blogs, but I know that some people might not be able participate because certain peoples they know read their blogs. So if you read this and can post your own list, please do so! If not, you can leave a comment with your list, I promise I won't tell :-)

#5: Richard Gere
He's at the bottom of my list because he's getting old and not aging well, so I don't think I'd actually ... umm ... play cards with him anymore. But if he still looked like he did in his "Pretty Woman" days, I'd be all over his ... hand.

#4: George Clooney
George Clooney is just classic handsome, and keeps getting better with age.

#3: Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (a.k.a. "Mr. Eko" from LOST)

Mr. Eko can whisk me away any day ...

#2: Will Smith

I don't know what it is about him, but I've had a thing for Will Smith ever since the debut of The Fresh Prince of Belair. I think he's very handsome in a goofy way. And yes, in case you're wondering, last time I checked I was white, but come on! Mr. Eko and Will Smith are hot!

#1 Simon Cowell

Okay, I'm prepared for your reaction. "Eww", you say? "How can you like such a jerk", you proclaim? Honestly, I don't know, but Simon is #1 on my list. I have dreams about this man, seriously! I'd like him to tell me just how he likes his hand to play out ...

Friday, June 20, 2008

Confessions of Past and Present

Okay, so I didn't write yesterday, or the day before, but gimme a break, I'm trying here. I just didn't have anything interesting to talk about. There is a lot I could have talked about, but I didn't want to bore people with more musing from my whole ectopic pregnancy/surgery/disability experience. Perhaps if I DID talk about it, and talk about my feelings and all that good crap, more people would read and care. People really seem to like the blogs from people who really let out their feelings (like Maggie does really well). I just have this thing where I tend to be a private person and have a hard time expressing my feelings and all that good crap. But I guess I could give it a try.

So anyways, what am I thinking about now? The Tuesday before last my youngest, Alexia, turned 5 freaking years old. 5 years! She's going to kindergarten this fall. I know, I'm having that my-baby-is-growing-up freak out. Problem is, I didn't freak out when my older daughter turned 5, but Alexia was still young at the time so I knew I had one in reserves. Pretty bad attitude, eh?

I never thought Alexia would be my last. The decision to have her was rather hasty, and in the back of my mind I always thought there would be another opportunity. An opportunity to be pregnant and enjoy it, to have a small baby, more first words and first steps, and all that good stuff that comes and goes way too quickly. I just didn't realize that my hubby didn't have the same thoughts. I left it alone for a couple years before having the first serious discussion. Then I left it alone another year before asking again. Then, last December we were at a football game, and there was this man there with his infant daughter. Alex and I had both had jumbo beers and were in a good mood, and I jokingly asked him (again) about the third kid thing. That was when I noticed a shift in how he felt. Even though he didn't tell me yes right then, I could tell that I had, essentially, "won" the battle, 4.5 years after Alexia!

We started trying right away and I got pregnant mid-February. I wound up losing the baby less than a week after I found out I was pregnant. I made a reference in a post I wrote to a "personal issue" I wasn't going to talk about right then, but might eventually. Well, eventually is now. I was disappointed but tried not to worry about it too much. After all there was nothing I could do, and I know my body doesn't have a problem, so the miscarriage was probably for a very good reason, like genetic disability. I would rather have a healthy baby.

Fast forward another two months to April. I find out I'm pregnant again. This time I felt so much better about it (the last time I had warning signs from when I first found out I was pregnant, this time all were gone). We told approx. half the family, waiting for the right opportunity to tell the other half. Unfortunantly, that "opportunity" came when I found out the pregnancy was ectopic and had to have emergency surgery. It's hard to explain, but if I was going to have a miscarriage, I felt this was the way to do it. Instead of suffering alone where no one even knew I was pregnant, this time I went out with flair! Somehow it made the pregnancy feel more real. I guess what it really feels like is *not my fault*. I know the first miscarriage was not my fault, but it still made me question my inadequacies. At least this time I knew I had a real growing baby inside of me, even if did happen to be in the wrong place.

So Alexia turned 5, and I'm surprised at how upset I feel. I was *supposed* to feel happy. I was *supposed* to be pregnant. Alexia is not *supposed* to be my last. I have to wonder though, had I known she would be my last, would I have done anything differently?

I hope I get another chance to find out.

I'll leave you with some pictures of Alexia, from newborn to present:

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

It Pays To Skip Work

I'm beginning to wonder why I haven't gone on disability before. Let's see ... they pay me money to sit at home. While I'm gone, they switch out my small 17 inch monitor for a nice big 21 incher. When I come back, everyone wants to have lunch with me. Oh yeah, and the boss lady gives me a "progression" (promotion -- and yes that comes with a raise) my first day back! Somehow my salary has managed to rise by 9% this year through multiple raises -- and I've only worked 4 months out of it.

Now I just have to figure out how to get past the pain and suffering part that seems to be a requirement of this thing they call "disability." And I also need to wait another 6 months before becoming disabled again, so that they pay me 100% of my salary instead of just 60% (Since the husband is a stay at home dad, we can't afford for me to be out for long at that rate!) And I also have to figure out how to get past those nosy company cars that come snooping around my neighborhood to make sure I'm not off in hawaii or elsewhere on the company dime, instead of staying put like a good disabled person should do ...

Monday, June 16, 2008

Return To Normalcy

I'm back to work this morning! I'm glad for the return to normal life, but the truth is I've only begun to feel "normal" again these past 4-6 days or so. It's such a relief, because I didn't know if I'd ever feel like myself again. I still get pains from too much activity, but I'm getting stronger every day. I can accomplish most tasks now, although I still haven't returned to exercising yet. I will take a walk today at work to start, then in a day or two add in my eliptical machine. I'm upset because I usually spend the spring getting in shape for summer -- this spring I spent on bedrest. It seems as soon as the weather started to get nice my incident happened and I was out of commision. Now it's hot and sweltering.

Speaking of hot and sweltering, it turns out the air conditioner didn't work on the house we just bought. The inspectors couldn't test it when we bought it, because they said it could harm the compressor to turn it on in under 60 degree whether. We thought there might be problems with it, but we didn't expect it simply to not work at all. It *could* be repaired ... for about $1500 for a 14 year old air conditioner that uses soon-to-be-outdated refrigerant. So we decided to bite the bullet and pony up for a new ($3000) system, but everyone is so busy that it has taken us 2 weeks from the time we first requested our estimates until the install, and boy has it been hot! They should be installing it as we speak, which figures, now that I'm not home all day sweating it out! But at least we're getting it now.

I am going to start catching up on everyone's posts VERY soon. Now that I'm back to myself and my normal routines. Still smoke free, almost 6 months!

Monday, June 2, 2008

Quick Update

Just thought I'd give everyone a quick update. Recovery is going good but well, and I'm still on disability from work. More about all that later. As of Wednesday of last week we have moved into our new house. We have internet now, but half our things are still in boxes. It's been slow going, Alex spent Wednesday-Saturday fixing up the house we just moved out of so we can get all of our hefty deposit back. I have unpacked perhaps a dozen boxes -- it's hard for me to do too much at once. Now that the other house has been taken care of, Alex is unpacking this house at a much faster rate. We should be all unpacked within a few more days. I'm hoping to be able to finish the kitchen today so I can make our first meal at our new house. I'm sick of McDonalds!

I'll leave you with that, and more promises of resuming my semi-daily writing before too much longer. Thank you everyone for your well-wishes and your concern, it really helps!