Friday, June 20, 2008

Confessions of Past and Present

Okay, so I didn't write yesterday, or the day before, but gimme a break, I'm trying here. I just didn't have anything interesting to talk about. There is a lot I could have talked about, but I didn't want to bore people with more musing from my whole ectopic pregnancy/surgery/disability experience. Perhaps if I DID talk about it, and talk about my feelings and all that good crap, more people would read and care. People really seem to like the blogs from people who really let out their feelings (like Maggie does really well). I just have this thing where I tend to be a private person and have a hard time expressing my feelings and all that good crap. But I guess I could give it a try.

So anyways, what am I thinking about now? The Tuesday before last my youngest, Alexia, turned 5 freaking years old. 5 years! She's going to kindergarten this fall. I know, I'm having that my-baby-is-growing-up freak out. Problem is, I didn't freak out when my older daughter turned 5, but Alexia was still young at the time so I knew I had one in reserves. Pretty bad attitude, eh?

I never thought Alexia would be my last. The decision to have her was rather hasty, and in the back of my mind I always thought there would be another opportunity. An opportunity to be pregnant and enjoy it, to have a small baby, more first words and first steps, and all that good stuff that comes and goes way too quickly. I just didn't realize that my hubby didn't have the same thoughts. I left it alone for a couple years before having the first serious discussion. Then I left it alone another year before asking again. Then, last December we were at a football game, and there was this man there with his infant daughter. Alex and I had both had jumbo beers and were in a good mood, and I jokingly asked him (again) about the third kid thing. That was when I noticed a shift in how he felt. Even though he didn't tell me yes right then, I could tell that I had, essentially, "won" the battle, 4.5 years after Alexia!

We started trying right away and I got pregnant mid-February. I wound up losing the baby less than a week after I found out I was pregnant. I made a reference in a post I wrote to a "personal issue" I wasn't going to talk about right then, but might eventually. Well, eventually is now. I was disappointed but tried not to worry about it too much. After all there was nothing I could do, and I know my body doesn't have a problem, so the miscarriage was probably for a very good reason, like genetic disability. I would rather have a healthy baby.

Fast forward another two months to April. I find out I'm pregnant again. This time I felt so much better about it (the last time I had warning signs from when I first found out I was pregnant, this time all were gone). We told approx. half the family, waiting for the right opportunity to tell the other half. Unfortunantly, that "opportunity" came when I found out the pregnancy was ectopic and had to have emergency surgery. It's hard to explain, but if I was going to have a miscarriage, I felt this was the way to do it. Instead of suffering alone where no one even knew I was pregnant, this time I went out with flair! Somehow it made the pregnancy feel more real. I guess what it really feels like is *not my fault*. I know the first miscarriage was not my fault, but it still made me question my inadequacies. At least this time I knew I had a real growing baby inside of me, even if did happen to be in the wrong place.

So Alexia turned 5, and I'm surprised at how upset I feel. I was *supposed* to feel happy. I was *supposed* to be pregnant. Alexia is not *supposed* to be my last. I have to wonder though, had I known she would be my last, would I have done anything differently?

I hope I get another chance to find out.


I'll leave you with some pictures of Alexia, from newborn to present:









6 comments:

maggies mind said...

Brandie, you don't owe it to anybody to blog X number of times per X number of days, so I'm not sure why you feel bad about not blogging more. I write when I want to (and I have a hell of a lot more time on my hands than 95% of people I know), and believe it or not, I keep much of my life and my feelings off the blog because they are nobody's business. I've struck a balance that works for me - I'm fine with sharing every aspect of my feelings about quitting smoking, some about being apart from Tom, a little about my mother's heartbreaking illness and death 13 years ago, less about my very passionate political views (I have many), very little to almost nothing about how it feels to desperately want to be a mother to even one child knowing that I can't be while some who are do nothing but bitch about it, and positively nothing about other areas of my life that impact me quite a bit on a daily basis because I don't want the world to know certain things about me or my life or my feelings or my family because some things are too sacred and private to me.

Many people are comfortable sharing much more than I do to a point that I can't imagine; others share much less about their personal lives but still keep their blogs very interesting anyway. It's a balance for each of us, I think. I also don't have a bucket load of readers compared to a lot of people, but I'm cool with that and glad for any I do have. Mostly, though, I just enjoy where writing and taking pictures and sharing them has taken me on a personal level.

Anyway, my whole point to this long comment is just to write as often as *you* feel like and about what *you* feel comfortable sharing. It's your own blog after all, right? :)

Brandie said...

Maggie,

Thanks for your comments! I know that no one expects a schedule out of me. Most of my issues are with myself. I want to create a blog that people flock to, however I lack the time and energy.

I can write engagingly when I want to (even if I can't spell it), but I also have trouble thinking of things to write about, plus those blogs always take much longer to write. I just need to find my niche, and I haven't done that, so I'm experimenting with various things. And I cited your blog because I really do envy your ability to share so well -- not just how you're feeling, but to make others feel with you and for you. I would like some of that quality, but what I really desire is to change my own personality so I'm not so closed off!

The hardest part is overcoming my personality. There are many things I'd write about if I thought people would care, but I'm always so afraid of boring the hell out of readers. Or whining too much. Or whatnot. I know, it's irrational, but I'm an irrational person in general. And yes, I too have strong political views, and I'm sure as hell not opening that can of worms! But I have to wonder how my blog would grow if I just didn't give a f*ck about anybody else. People might like that, actually, but I'm afraid to take that plunge. Maybe we'll get there, eventually.

One final thing -- I feel so bad for your loss. And I feel terrible blogging about not having #3 when you can't even have #1. Yet you're great, and you still come here and bear with me regardless. Thank You!

maggie's mind said...

Aw, thank you for the compliment. I'm flattered.

I say just write what feels right as often as it feels right, and the rest will sort itself out. Some of the very posts I wrote that I thought would be most boring have gotten the most comments and vice versa. Seriously. I still just never know for sure how something will be received, but if I enjoy posting it, then I'm content (though, of course, comments rock!). I'm no pro on how to get more readers, but I do know that there definitely are some strategies and even little hubs and whatnot to help (probably not called hubs, or whatnots, but something like that).

Please don't feel bad blogging about not having another child, gosh especially after the hell you just went through! I want everyone to have exactly as many kids as they want and preferably with as little heartbreak as possible. Please know that my comment about that aspect wasn't directed in your direction at all (you know that, right?) - I just avoid those types of bitching about spouse and kids blogs, but I know others enjoy them, which is cool for them.

Mz Diva said...

Brandie,
I like reading your blog! Its funny...what I love about reading your blog is we have a totally different lifestyles but feel connected to you. I say do what you feel is right for you! I doubt most people agree with my political opionions on some of the stuff I post about like gay marriage but its all good. People have a right to believe what they want to believe, I mean it is a free country right? I hope you are feeling better after the loss and my heart goes out to you.
Peace,
Diva

lynda w said...

I think you are incredibly strong, Brandie! Not many people could go through something like what you had to endure and come out standing on two feet. Thanks for sharing your feelings with us. Sometimes that's what you need to do to get through it. We're here for you!

Brandie said...

Thanks for all your support guys!

Maggie, I know that wasn't directed at me. But I still do feel bad for all you must struggle with from day to day. I can't imagine how I would feel if I were in your shoes. You truely are amazing!